Clarkson on: Clarkson
Self flagellation
JEREMY Clarkson is as cutting about himself as he is about anyone else, and his columns occasionally contain fascinating insights into the life of Britain’s favourite motormouth. Here are a few of his self-deprecating thoughts.
“People assume that because I go on television and shout while driving round corners too quickly that I live in a leopardskin house, being fed cocaine and peacock by girls in PVC.”
“I like to think I am a journalist. I know the nation’s proper journalists will harrumph at that and explain that three years on the Rotherham Advertiser and a certificate of competency in shorthand don’t make me a proper hack, any more than a stint as a Saturday shop girl qualifies someone to run Wal-Mart.”
“Bob Geldof may have it in his head that I went to Live Aid so that others, less fortunate than me, might have a happier life. Well, I didn’t. I went because I wanted to see the Who.”
News Review, September 11, 2011
“I took up the drums about six months ago and have had seven lessons. I practise infrequently and have become to the world of sticksmanship what Germany is to the world of cricket.”
“I’ve always said that when I die I want to be buried, because if it turns out there is a heaven, it’ll be hard to enjoy its bountiful magnificence if I’ve been cremated. Seriously, you’re never going to pull an angel if you look like the contents of a hoover bag.”
News Review, September 7, 2008
On online posts: “My wife … was photographed recently while out running, and you simply wouldn’t believe how much bile this prompted. One person was so cruel that I was tempted to go around to her house and cut her in half with a sword. I also wanted to set fire to her photograph albums and boil her pets.”
“The nearest I ever came to an actual schoolboy fistfight was with an idiot who really and truly believed Wrangler made better jeans than Levi’s.”
News Review, September 4, 2011
After being falsely accused of having an affair with his friend Jemima Kahn: “Naturally, Jemima was very upset. Rather too upset, I thought. She tweeted to say she was ‘in a bloody nightmare’. She found the very notion of being intimate with me ‘upsetting’. After a while I began to think, ‘All right, love. Steady on.’ ”
“I have had a suit for some time but just recently I’ve noticed it has started to shrink. The trousers will no longer do up properly, and the jacket feels very tight. It must have been a fault in the manufacturing process.”
News Review, November 27, 2011
“If I felt inclined, and I don’t because I don’t want to be robbed every night and stabbed over the breakfast table every morning, I think I’d make a rather good foster parent.”
News Review, November 16, 2008
“If I have a philosophy it’s this: Get born, live your life, die. And don’t worry about anything in between because it’s a waste of time. My attitude is if I get up in the morning and I’m still breathing, I’m quids in. I hardly ever worry. I don’t suffer from depression, I don’t even have moods. If you’re in a bad mood, you’re wasting time.”
Clarkson Unbound, News Review, March 29, 2015
On retirement: “I have dreamt for some time now of the day when I can wake up without an alarm and spend my hours pottering about in the greenhouse, killing insects and wearing a jumper with holes in it. No more deadlines. No more 5am starts. And, best of all, no more James May.”
