Clarkson on: politics
Balls to Bush, Brown and Blair for starters
JEREMY Clarkson is not shy of taking on the people of Westminster, and the politics of the rest of the world doesn’t escape his eye either. Here are a few choice Clarkson quotes.
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“Last week the Tory peer Baroness Jenkin put down her game of Candy Crush, summoned a bank of plebs from beyond her duck house and said that Britain is awash with food banks these days because ‘poor people don’t know how to cook’. Naturally this was seen as yet another example of government being completely out of touch with how real “hard-working families” live, and as a result she was forced to burn herself at the stake for being a witch. Which is a shame, because she had a point.”
“Apparently when Gordon Brown was running the show, someone suggested he should smile more. Why? Because anyone with a functioning face must have been able to see that when Brown smiled, it looked like he had just suffered an embarrassing accident in his trousers.”
“If we have a law that prevents the press from investigating wrongdoing among public figures then it is carte blanche for the entire House of Lords to spend the rest of the year gorging on swan while taking it in turns to do man love on the woolsack.”
“The girl to my right at dinner last night was a Liberal Democrat. So she sends her children to school on the bus, dislikes titles and would like to get rid of the Queen because she’s too expensive and the money would be better spent on muesli.”
“The next time someone says, ‘You do know Tom Cruise is a scientologist, don’t you?’, I shall be forced to explain that it could be worse. He could be a supporter of Ed Miliband.”
“I’m confused. When I left for a short working trip to Spain 10 days ago Gordon Brown was languishing in the polls and everyone knew that, at the next general election, Tory golden boy and all round floppy-haired good guy David Cameron would win. This made perfect sense because Gordon’s jaw doesn’t work properly, he has no discernible sense of humour and the charisma of a boulder.”
“America had 250m candidates for president and was offered a choice of two. A man with the stupidest hair in Christendom [John Kerry] and a blithering idiot who can’t talk properly [George W Bush].”
“A recent piece in Her Majesty’s Daily Telegraph suggested there is a turning point in the career of all prime ministers after which their place on the scrapheap of history becomes assured. This is probably true. Tony Blair was doomed from the moment he said to George W: ‘Yes. Let’s bomb Iraq’. John Major had had it after Black Wednesday, and Gordon Brown became a spent force … well, when the nurse cut his umbilical cord.”
“We need to look at the world since Pong. This was the first commercially available video game … it came along in 1972 and since then the western world has, for the most part, been at peace. We can therefore conclude that Pong and other games of its ilk ended the cold war because, for the first time in history, leaders had something better to do than rush about threatening to bash one another’s heads in. I realise, of course, that this doesn’t apply to Tony Blair or George W Bush but that’s because they were too busy reading the Bible to play Space Invaders. I, on the other hand, played a lot of Space Invaders and I’ve never wanted to invade anywhere.”
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“One of the reasons Nigel Farage does so well is that when he appears in public he’s doing something the public actually does as well. Such as drinking a pint of beer — not a half — and smoking a cigarette. Why don’t other politicians do this? Let us see them being normal? Washing the car? Staying up late to watch pornography on the internet? Or how’s this for an idea — doing some work?”
“If you were put in charge of a brand new country and told to organise a whole new system of government, you probably wouldn’t come up with the House of Lords. ‘Right. We’ve got some elected members in the Commons and now, to make sure they don’t do anything stupid, we shall have another tier, which we shall fill with religious zealots, chaps whose great-grandads won a battle and various other odds and sods who only ever wake up when their bedsores start to weep.’”
“I suspect every right-minded person in the land breathed a massive sigh of relief when the unions rode roughshod over the rank and file and selected the completely unelectable Ed Miliband to be their leader.”
On Nick Clegg: “People loved him … right up to the point when they learnt he had been educated at Westminster and Cambridge. Somehow, that immediately precluded him from being any good at anything.”
“In north Africa and the Middle East, one day you’re on a hillside looking after your goats and the next you’re on fire on the internet. The locals could just about handle Muammar Gadaffi and Saddam Hussein and so on. But the new lot? No. So they are giving their savings to God knows who and boarding escape boats, most of which then sink. Those that don’t sink reach Europe, where the wretched souls on board are greeted by Nigel Farage, who says they must go back from whence they came and be beheaded. Because our primary schools are full.”
“I can’t help feeling sorry for the G8 delegates, because with Bob on the rampage they’ll have to act, and that’s not easy when George Bush, the richest man at the table, almost certainly has no idea what Africa is.”
“The Americans decided quite recently that it simply wasn’t possible to butcher Grosvenor Square any more and that it was time to move out of their current fortress to a new super-embassy … It would provide many jobs and keep alive the special relationship in which they decide what they’d like to do and we run about wagging our tails, hoping that if we look sweet, they will give us a biscuit. Frankly, if they’d wanted to build their new embassy in the Queen’s knicker drawer, we’d all have said, ‘Oh yes, Mr Obama. And can we have some more Winalot?’ ”
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